Question: How do parents take control or handle a preteen that is rebelling?

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Answer #1:

Why don't you try enrolling her in a public virtual school so she can study in her own house ?
Try the web page that i cited as a source.
Good Luck!

Answer #2:

umm i agree with the first answer and this is not a serious thing every body goes through it and obviously you don't remember

Answer #3:

the attitude is probably due to the change in hormone levels in her body. her age is right around the time when all of those changes start happening so there is probably just a whole bunch of chemicals running through her that her body's not used to and this is making her lash out. it's really just a phase unless something is happening to her that you don't know about. she might be having problems at school or with friends. just because the older daughter didn't do it doesn't mean anything. they're different.

Answer #4:

take her 'round back and shoot her.

Answer #5:

My first concern would be if your daughter's behavior change was rather sudden or gradual? If it was very sudden, I would be concerned that something might have happened at school (or somewhere else) that has her upset and she is acting it out. I'm sure you've tried talking to her, but you might try asking (at a time when she's calm and you aren't fighting) if there is anything that is particularly bothering her. She may say, "No" and if she does, maybe say something like, "I just want you to know that I always want to try my best to listen to you and be here for you if something is bothering you." You might even be able to say that you have noticed a change in how she behaves and you are concerned about her, not because she's not doing chores, but because you love her.

Some of this is normal, but if it goes on for a goodly time or it was a very sudden onset, I would encourage some counseling. Even if there's nothing major and it is just normal, counseling can give your daughter a place to talk, help her learn skills to talk to you as she begins to grow up, and can give you tools for working with your daughter.

Things that are important in parenting a teen include:

Clarity: Are you being clear about your expectations, not just of your daughter but of everyone in the house. Is it clear who does which chores and what the consequences of not doing the chores are? Could you have a family meeting to decide who does what so that your daughter has *some* say in what her chores will be and therefore might be more likely to do them? Are there clear expectations for what is acceptable and unacceptable ways of communicating within your family? Do you model them yourself? Those are some things I would think about.

Consistency: Do you consistently (and fairly) apply consequences when they are needed. Teens, just like young children, really want to know that you will do what you say you will do. Not that you can't be understanding in rare exceptions, but you need to follow through on what you say - whether it is negative (applying a consequence) or positive (something you promised your daughter you would do).

Limits: What is OK and not OK, boundaries, etc. As I wrote above, these need to be clear and consistent and many should apply to everyone in the family. There should be some flexibility based on age and responsibility.

Listening: Listen to your daughter (when she'll talk to you) and try to reflect back to her what you hear her saying, not just the content, but how she's feeling about things. The more you listen, the more likely she is to talk and to stay connected to you. Don't always give advice or try to tell her the best way to do things. Help her explore options and now is a good time to start *asking* if she would like your opinion or if she just needs you to listen.

Love: Above all, tell her in direct and in indirect ways that you love her and you are glad, even when things are difficult, that she is your daughter. Kids need to know (and hear) that they are loved even when (and sometimes most especially when) they are being a pill. Even when you are at your wits end, respond to her in loving ways that honor her as a person, even when you have to provide consequences for her behavior.

Good luck, and do seek outside help if things continue to be a problem. No family should suffer just because "everyone goes through it."

Answer #6:

While it is somewhat of a phase, I would consider dealing with it now. Some kids don't have it dealt with and they sort of get away from their parents. I think counseling would be helpful, but make it be a party she can accept.

You might consider setting up some rules to follow, rather strict rules and when she gets very mad about them, say something like, "we are the parents and we have a say in your life - but we want to figure it out - if went to counseling together, maybe we can get it right - and then see if she'll choose the conselor from a list you give her. If she can choose the person, she'll have more of a stake in getting it right.

You COULD try what I did with my headstrong (now) 19 year old when she was 11 or 12. She gave my wife some serious sass about something or another. She probably used the "S" word - Stupid - and I grounded her from TV, the Internet and the Phone for 3 months, plus going out. And I stayed with it.

To be honest, she wasn't too bad, even then, but I wanted to make sure she knew who was boss and it worked. I won't say she never sassed us again, but she's been better and has grown up very well, in my opinion.

Hope it works out for you.

Answer #7:

This is going to be a battle of wills, your daughter sounds totally frustrated with life in general. Her body is revving up for all kinds of hormonal changes. She's feeling anger and hate and probably wants to punch out a wall. It's probably getting tough at school, too. I bet she feel ugly, thinks the other girls are prettier, smarter, most likely to get a boyfriend. She's sure nobody loves her so she will strike out first.

How to handle it is another thing.
I was a mom of 6 teens, three being girls...there was only one way I survived them all in their teens.
I had to be TOUGH. If you lose control now, you're finished.

She is begging for guidance from you, pushing all the limits, and will fight you tooth and nail.

You could pretty much take a cue from The Nanny. If the behavior is 'unaceptable' say so. Don't beg or negotiate. When she throws a 'hissy fit' or yells, 'I hate you', make her sit in a chair for a certain amount of time. Set the kitchen timer. Each time she yells or tries to leave, add 5 minutes.

Do not send her to her room. You don't want her to start 'cutting' or anything. Keep her in full view. It shouldn't take too long before you 'break' this anger..but you will have to be tough and consistant.

I'm guessing that she is the second daughter of five???? When you get her back under control, the three younger ones will also be learning that they cannot get away with this 'unaceptable' behavior either.

It's not going to be easy. Set the rules, try not to be emotional about it, be fair, be tough, be consistant. She will straighten out, trust me.

Answer #8:

Limits.

It sounds like you have a strong willed daughter. That's a good thing. Unfortunately she's inflicting her strong will on the rest of the family and making things unpleasant.

Young people use family situations to practice for what they face in the rest of their lives. Perhaps she feels the need to lash out at home b/c she isn't comfortable doing so at school. Perhaps she feels that she has so many options that she just feels overwhelmed by it all.

Suggestion 1: Give her positive feedback for the strong willed characteristics that she has that you approve of. Maybe she tries really hard at things, maybe she sticks up for friends and family in some situations, etc. Find those and make sure she knows you notice and that you respect those things.

Suggestion 2: Don't tolerate the negative side. Start with Suggestion 1, but over the course of a week phase in punishment for any particularly mean/nasty behavior. You probably control her spending, her phone usage, and much of what she can do in her free time. Make it clear that she needs to be a well behaved citizen of the house or some/all of those things will be taken away until she starts to behave in a more acceptable way. Keep the praise for the good aspects, and you may not have to punish too much. But she needs to know there is a boundary and that you are there to enforce it.

Suggestion 3: She is probably trying to assert herself. You mentioned your oldest. She may feel that she can't impress you relative to what the oldest did. People seek individuality and self-expression. Sounds like she's trying but not in the ideal ways. Now might be a good time to get her into a new hobby or activity.... perhaps something she's always been curious about but hasn't had the time/inclination to do.

Suggestion 4: Being a young person isn't always easy. Kids can be cruel and she needs to know that you and your husband are rock solid parts of the universe. This is why limits are important. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you should be in this regard. Just realize that the more uncertainty she has the more she'll try to push those limits. Don't crack. It may get worse before it gets better.

Suggestion 5: Fits are not acceptable. Make sure she hasn't got you programmed to do what she wants just because she had a fit. I'd make it a policy that if she has a fit then whatever it was that she wanted to change WILL NOT. Hopefully her self-expression will make the fits unnecessary, but if every time she has fit she's grounded for a few days then they'll stop rather abruptly. You need to be ready to be on bad terms with her for a while if such grounding is necessary. It may take her a bit of time to realize that you're serious.

Answer #9:

That's a tough age. She could be having trouble identifying who she is. She might be trying to figure out where she stands in the family. Maybe she's trying to differentiate herself from her sisters.

Normally when I was moody at that age it was because I had skipped lunch. Mom would give me a snack and in an hour I was a much more agreable person! It doesn't sound like an apple is going to fix this though.

If she's violent, I'd suggest counceling. That's difficult for her, and for you and your spouse. You shouldn't have to go through that alone.

Also, 12 isn't too young for a trip to the OBGYN. Even if she hasn't had her period, the change in hormones could be causing some of your problems. It would be a good chance for her to get the HPV vaccine, and for the two of you to talk about sex and sexuality.

I'd also recomend keeping an eye on who she's friends with. If her friends are well behaved, then she might be encouraged to act the same way. Are her friends rebellious? Lots of makeup and trashy clothes? Encourage her to find new friends by having her join sports, after school activities, youth groups, music, or arts orginazations. If she picks something she likes, your the good guy for giving her something she enjoies. And you benefit because she has something to be happy about and new people to spend her time with. She won't have to leave her old friends behind, but if her new friends are easier to get along with she might make the choice to leave them on her own.

Talk to her teachers. Does the parent-teacher conference still exist? If her behavior is changing, I'm sure her grades won't be far behind. You'll be able to work with them to develop a strategy to keep her grades up and remain active in her academic life. And you might gain some insight about her behavior change, and if it has affected her in the classroom as well as at home.

And on the chores- hang in there! Set boundries: "you have to do this and this before you can do this. If you don't do the first things, you can't have the last." Then follow through. It sucks to punish your kids, or to take away something they like. But sticking to your word and being consistant is a good way of showing youo mean business. In the long run you might be there to be her friend. But for right now, you're there to show her how to be a responsible adult. Which she probably won't understand now, but may thank you for later





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